I’ve never been a strong swimmer. As a matter of fact, I tend to stay in the shallow end of the beach, pool, or whatever body of water I may be in. Those non-swimmers out there may know exactly what I mean; its the safe end. The place where your feet touch the ground, where you still have control of your body, and most important of all, where you can breathe without difficulty as your head is above water.
I don’t enjoy the feeling of being fully immersed in the water as holding my breath is not something I’ve ever been good at. Its funny though, lately it seems that underwater is where I have been; at least metaphorically speaking.
Im not sure that one thing is to blame. Its more like a combination of many different things that have stirred up feelings of insecurity, anger, uncertainties, inability to cope, and different sleeping patterns which have all contributed to this drowning feeling I have recently been experiencing. This wouldn’t be the first time I have felt like this. It seems that life in the recent years can best be described as rolling hills. There have been high moments, low moments and then there have been the moments in between. Yet, the one thing that makes today different then times past is my ability to recognize that wherever I’m at, G-d is totally and completely aware. And not only is He aware, but He is accepting of me, and continues to love me unconditionally in spite of the moment I may be in. Where on previous occasions, my initial response has been to leave G-d out of the picture and hide from Him (because of course He has no clue whats going on), this time I search for Him, include Him, and trust that in spite of how blurred things around me may appear or how confused a state I may be in, He’s got my back.
He knows the limit of my strength, the threshold of my mental capacity, and above all else, He understands me even in those moments when I don’t understand myself!
Im not sure how much longer I will continue to feel constricted in my breathing capacity, but until that feeling is alleviated and I don’t have the sense of being underwater anymore, I will continue to come up for small gasps of air by doing the small things that provide me relief;
- eating vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles
- taking a midday walk and listening to the birds sing
- singing loudly at work in spite of my non singing voice
- taking baths with my bath bombs from lush
- escaping the crowd to chat with G-d and getting real with Him
- buying whatever I want to buy and crying whenever I want to cry
And during those moments, I will breathe deeply, slowly and I will wait on Him.